The Physics of Underwear.

A simple equation for maximum sexiness!

You, too, can make your ratty, old granny panties into hot, sexy thongs! 

Just apply some simple math:

i heart pi(e)

Ethnically Ambiguous Holiday Pun

The Evolution of the Holidays

(dot dot dot)

And such is the nature of perversion and abbreviation in language that we end up with Christmas.

(dot dot dot)

Chanukah

(dot dot dot)

Kwanzaa

Meppy Christmahanukwanzakah!

Hunting Explained. Kinda.

Happy Thankstaking!

We're not vegan.  We're not even vegetarian.  But this is how we imagine them to celebrate Thanksgiving:

We're thankful for love, laughter, and all that crap.  ...and that some Indians survived the massacre.  

Now sit down, and elbow your way to some pie!

Hello-weenie Costumes

Whilst rummaging about the post-halloween sale bins, I came across a couple of costumes.  The pictures immediately caught my attention, as the models seemed very...let's say proud... to be representing this legendary figure.  The overwhelming sense of happiness and joy emanating from these pictures inspired me to create an interaction between these two figures, whom I've named Darth Heeeyder and Darth Gayder:



a note for the observant: yes, there's a note to see more at FreeRangeFemales.blogspot.com.  which you are obviously doing.  i think it's just easier to embed from youtube because you can double click the vid here to get to our channel.

Also, I cropped the photos for the video, but as you can see from the original below...  market research must've shown that the best way to sell Darth Vader costumes is to subliminally relate them  to Mary Poppins' Victorian England.  Sorry I don't have a better pic of it; I didn't realize it until I got home, but look closely at the bottom edge of the pic:

SUPERCALIFRAGILISTIC, BETCH!

So boredom aka sober doom

i promise you we are NOT under the influence of anything.  except funny.  we are heavily influenced by that ;)

and maybe boredom.  but not even really that.  because we were doing other activities.  sometimes we just do stuff like this.  luckily, i had a flip cam handy :)  we were trying to perfect the art of the slightly crazy lazy (eye).  so we figured we'd take a couple pix; this is what happened when elana saw the result:





and these are some of the still images :)

Marketing is for Suckers.

How many times has this happened to you?

Oh man, this is exactly the look I'm going for!!

(dot dot dot)

awesome.

Jen o' Lantern!

For Halloween I'm going as my lost childhood.

TREAT OR TREAT, BITCHES!!!

iFun Auto-Incorrect

do as iSay, not as iPhone do.

so i have an iPhone. i call it miPhone. because it's mine. i should really call it a little bastard because the auto-correct feature is the supreme ruler of The Land of Obscure Words that i, and likely a vast majority of the population, would never type (on a phone--or elsewhere, for that matter).

below are some examples of words that i want to have appear on my screen, juxtaposed with the actual words i, invariably, don't notice are there until after i hit send.

below you'll find only limited examples, as i only recently started documenting them. so these are merely the tip of the iCeburg.

by all means, feel free to add your own experiences! i encourage it, even! (apparently emphatically so !!!!!!)

format: desired words = dumbass iPhone interpretation. ...followed by subsequent commentage.

don't even = font ben... i tend to write in font new times roman. what is this font tho, cambria? i don't even know if there is a font ben. or should i say, "i font ben know if there is a font ben."

that's = Rhys ... there's another thing i don't know... W, or who, TF is Rhys? apparently Rhys and Steve Jobs must be very tight because Mr. Jobs must think everyone is talking about Rhys. That is (aka that's) to say...actually i forgot what that was going to say... i just thought i'd make the point that i'm waaaay more likely to marry that + is in holy grammatrimony than i am to reference a person i've never heard of (i looked it up. now i feel under-educated and under-read.) i am also waaay more likely to make up super-awesome words and use them in new and fun ways. the only word i know that would be close to that is "Reye's". and i actually might use that more than the average person because i'm a medical geek. and it's a syndrome.

and while writing that last blurb, i realized i am now torn about my vehement opposition to using capital letters at appropriate, or even inappropriate, times. ok, maybe it's not vehement opposition; it's just laziness. what do you think? do capital letters land better on your eyeballs? (and quickly onto your retina, where it's sucked thru your optic nerve and onto, and into, your brain) oh god, my whole world is shattering. Please give me direction. As a sidebar, i won't take direction on my placement of the period outside of the quotation marks (as seen in "Reye's".) if i'm not mistaken, that would be correct in britainland. and that's english as english can be. so it works for me. so does rhyming. unless i'm using the words silver, purple, orange, or month. then rhyming doesn't really work for me.

moving on...

says = Dayaks ... ok, there again, I don't even know W, or who, TF that is. i'm beginning to feel like an illiterate member of the english-speaking world, with a gaspingly substandard grasp of kindergarten vocabulary. and i'm beginning to think apple hired anthropologists as programmers. on the upside, if i can spare the time or memory (human, not computer), these little annoyances may make me a bit more worldly. perhaps it's apple's pretentious little plot.

remembered = renegades ...if you know me, or even if you don't, i'm telling you now... i have a HORRIBLE memory. and i'm not involved with any guerilla warfare or coups, that i know of or that i can remember. you do the math on that usage.

october = lilting ...it's october. and although i do love accents, IT'S OCTOBER! (at the time of this post)

that = thy ...methinks some shakespearian shit of bull shall henceforth follow. wherefore? because i decree *flourish* (trumpet and otherwise)

forgot = Dorothy ...i don't think i've ever typed "dorothy" on miPhone, unless I'm a gay man in a dissociative state. oh wait...maybe that explains it... i'm actually a really gay, pretentious, worldly, well-read anthropologist (with a sub-specialty in linguistics) who is plotting to take over the world.

so all of those are actually now justified, with the exception of....

Vollege = village ...What's vollege you ask? A typo of college. But instead of miPhone realizing that just changing one letter---the one right next to it-- it would like to change 2 others. and because I don't have stumpy snausage fingers, I won't ever hit E and mean A.

to end on a positive note, one thing i'm glad that apple fixed in an update... it would previously auto-correct lol to LOL. and rarely do i think something is that funny. (except everything i have, or will ever, say)

<3 jennifer

(just to be clear... that's an ice cream cone, not a heart...or i guess it could be a fat-ass naked person bending over--with his/her feet together, obviously. but it's an ice cream cone...of which, if i eat many and take off my clothes and bend over to pick up some ice cream that probably fell off my cone from the forceful consumption of said cone, i guess it could then be me. but it's not. it's an ice cream cone.)

the end (for now)

Baby's First Karaoke

my first attempt at karaoke and somebody throws a pretzel at me! and the dj guy insisted on trying to upstage me with annoying sound effects. and sorry the sound sucks on here and is clipping, etc.

Damn, that bitch is annoying!

brooklyn is in rare form...

ok, maybe not so rare...

God I hope I get it!

This is Elana performing at The Groundlings; featuring Heath Butler and Drew Talbert.

high fructose corn syrup has competition

you've seen those stupid propaganda high fructose corn syrup commercials. (and if you haven't, now's the time to youtube it)

now watch this:

ps...we also have a youtube channel for you to subscribe to :) ...hint hint hint... code: make us famous.

http://www.youtube.com/user/FreeRangeFemales

proofread you're postS, idi ot1

ok, i'm sorry.  i was in a hurry.  i just trusted my innate expert typing and grammar abilities.  that's where i always go wrong.  i should never trust myself.  especially with wheeled and/or sharp objects.  and definitely NOT sharp objects while on wheeled objects.

so i left out some commas.  and maybe an extra space and who knows what else.  maybe you.  (maybe you know, not maybe i left you out.  i'm guessing i probably did leave you out.  it's very like me.  i'm abscent-minded like that.)

and i left out my trademark signature.  well, it's not really a trademark.  i haven't done it enough for it to be. i guess i was trying to start a trend with myself.  and it's nothing cool.  just something to say "--jennifer" wrote this, not elana.  ...just in case you need to know who to personally attack. ...please don't we're sensitive... and we know where you live.  or at least we can find you.  ...i just can't find that damned blind faith  --- see first post ever.

and i know i pretty much type in all lower case.  it's on purpose and for a reason that i will later expand upon in a later post (jennifer, resist the temptation to do it now!)... my use of the word later was redundant. no, i'm not a huge fan of the delete button... or of proofreading, apparently.

well... for somebody who is supposedly in such a hurry, i sure am killing my time with this.

yes, i'm killing it with a spoon.  i figured that'd be a much worse way to die. NO MERCY!!! and then you can eat ice cream after.

an acknowledgement for the observant: yes, i put on cookie monster pants.  here's a better look:

SNACK TIME!!!

perhaps i led you to believe that i was going to snack on ice cream.  sorry to disappoint.  the granola bar jumped into my arms.  and it has chocolate.  so i said yes.  besides, it's seemed so excited.

so i was excited.  but felt a little bad, so i couldn't look it in it's little dark chocolate eyes.

i should've known that it had already accepted its fate as my snack and, in fact, embraced it.  i think it was offended when didn't look at it, so it catapulted two kamikaze chocolate chips to the ground.

i learned my lesson.  then we had a great time!

maybe i crossed a line with the kiss.  because then it tossed chocolate chip into my elbow.

screw you, granola bar.  then i ate the chocolate chip.  then i ate the rest of it.  then i was sad i yelled at it, because i, and my stomach, instantly mourned the loss.

all good things...well, it wasn't good, it was kind of defiant and snotty and rebellious.... all delicious things must come to an end.  even people. so back to this!

wait, that's not how i type. that would take me forever and a day.  wtf does that phrase mean.  if it's forever... all the days are included.  stupid blind faith probably came up with that one.  they should call her blind and dumb faith.  yes, i know that means mute... she needs to be. she needs to shut her blind ass up and stop saying stupid things that make no sense.

ok, now back to this.  really.

and by now i could've either seen if there's a way to edit posts once posted, or just said fuck it and hope people are so overwhelmed by my verbosity that they were just scanning and my mistakes didn't even register.  but no, i did this.  and now you've probably forgotten what this post was originally about, which is that i should proofread before posting and not forget this:

--jennifer

Savior Post II, OR, Post 2: the savior post.

Weeee I have a blog!

i mean we.  WE have a blog.  elana is my other half -- of this comedy duo -- we're not like conjoined twins or anything...  but she wasn't around to take fun pictures, and i'm not about to try to photoshop her ass into mine.  

also, i realized that the title implies that there was a "savior post"  as in savior post, the original.  or if english is your first language or you don't work as an index writer or general filer...  the original savior post.  aka savior post 1. 

so i should rename it:  Post 2, the savior post... yeah i think i'll do that.  maybe i'll pretend i'm edward albee and put "or" in it.

please subscribe and give my life meaninng.  

LOVE ME!!!!!

Oh the pressure!!!

after a while of technical difficulties (read: i'm technologically challenged), i'm attacking the blog head on! i  didn't check the crash test ratings or anything, but that's what blind faith is for, i reckon.

and i'm assuming that phrase pertains to someone actually named "faith" and she's visually impaired but still has so much of a purpose that there's a cliche about her.  hope she lives up to her reputation.  how do i find her?  do you think i need an appointment?  she seems pretty well-known...

so now what?  this is the first post.  that's a lot of pressure.  it's how we, the free range females, are introducing ourselves to the world... oh god, first impressions are everything!  what if i screw it up?!  what do i say?  oh god, i can't handle this!

i'll just hurry and post something after this.  oh god, the time!  i have to go somewhere!  i'm a horrible procrastinator, and i've finally gotten around to doing this and i'm fucking it all up, fucking it all up, i tell you!

ok ok ok... i'll just post something, anything.  that will divert attention from this post onto the next.  that way, there's less pressure.  i said LESS.  oh wait... oh god... i've just placed so much weight on that second post.  it has to be the savior of this blog!  it's like having a second child because you popped out the wrong gender.  and you'd really better have a boy this time or else that's just one more mouth to resent and feed and yell at that there's starving children all over the world (but not in the jolie-pitt household).

oh i can't take this, get me out of here!

oh no!! 3rd floor!! life's worth living!

oh wait...that angle makes my ass look huge.  how 'bout now?

ah! get away!